apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize