The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
