The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
