Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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