If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
