Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
