Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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