Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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