a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
