you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
