He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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