Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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