The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
