I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Buhtt sex?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
