Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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