So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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