I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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