someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
