Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
