Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
