i would punch a child for taco bell
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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