Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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