How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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