is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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