I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
