I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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