Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
