Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize