thus making me awesome and them whores
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
