my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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