I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
