Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There's even glitter on my cock...
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