I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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