i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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