how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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