Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
should my penis look like a turkey
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
