he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
