I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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