hotel room ftw
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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