Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
birth control should be required to get into college
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize