and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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