she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Im part way to drunk.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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