sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
