life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize