He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
