why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize