worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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