I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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