i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
there is glitter all over my balls
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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