Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize