dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
