I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
