We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize