We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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