I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
