I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
