someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
