the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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