I wish I only lived at night.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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