tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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