Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize