dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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