I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
