well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
