I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
